Momma Much

I was sitting with a friend at dinner a couple nights ago and she asked how I liked being off Instagram for the last few weeks. I was surprised when I heard myself say: “I want to sue Instagram.” Obviously I was kidding… but just barely.

This is my life. I have one. And right now is the only time I will ever have a 4 year old and a 6 year old. And even though I decided to homeschool and be entirely with them in this phase of their lives, I could still possibly miss their childhood. Dramatic, I know, but in this day and age it’s quite possible.

Time goes by quick. Instagram makes it go by quicker. It dilutes time and turns it into water in my hands. Instead of slowing down and enjoying the moments I was hurrying up and capturing the moments.

So I decided to take a “break,” thinking it would be two/three weeks. It turned into a month which turned into six weeks. And I couldn’t (couldn’t) bring myself to open it up again.

This was me on Instagram:

I would see a sunset and feel the emotion and then my mind would automatically convert it into caption. I didn’t follow through to where my heart naturally wanted to go.. amazement, awe, praise to God for His beauty, a cathartic sense of presence and peace.

I would take the experience to the extent of an Instagram post and that was it. Nothing more. Experience aborted. Then I would spend the next however long monitoring it to make sure others liked my thoughts as much as I did. Then the cycle began again. For the rest of my life? No thanks.

Some moments I actually looked at my kids as an inconvenience. They were distracting me; keeping me from what I wanted to do. “Mom…..” Me looking at my phone, just one more thing I wanted to comment on or edit on one of my wordy posts… “onnnnne second…” and suddenly my kids have become second to an app. An app. And those moments happened a lot. I’m not saying kids should never have to wait… Of course they should. But not while I sell my soul to Instagram.

I took a ton of selfies. A ton. I didn’t post a ton, because most of them sucked, but that is why I had to take a ton. The kids saw me take a lot of them too. Earth to Sarah. Who am I trying to raise here? Driving down the road, perfect lighting equals perfect instagram-able moment? Whatever happened to enjoying that golden light bouncing around the car? Enjoying the way it made the children look? Their beautiful faces shine. Enjoying the way it made me look even. Just enjoying. Taking it all in. Not creating a product for other people to consume. Not planning on the perfect post. Just enjoying.

It seems so pathetic to me now. In fact, there is never a reason for me to take a selfie again. Unless I’m sending an ugly face to Brenden to remind him who he gets to come home to at night. I need to do more of that come to think of it.

Instagram knows what it’s doing. They designed this app to be highly addictive so it’s a game you don’t want to quit. New likes and followers and direct messages, oh my. They make zillions of dollars from everyone in the world scrolling like zombies. When I disabled my account there was a drop down that said “too many adds? “Too busy/distracting?” “Too sell-your-soul-ish?” (Okay, the last one wasn’t on there but it should have been.)

And don’t even get me started on Stories!! I never did stories. I equate Stories to selling my soul for zero dollars. People. Stop and think about Stories and what you are doing with your time. So. much. lost. time.

For the first two days after I deleted my app I would open my phone and my thumb would automatically go up and to the left. But there was no Instagram icon there anymore! It was my music app now. It took two days for my brain to relearn there was no instant reward there, and my thumb finally stopped searching for it. Then it was just “hmm.. what should I do now…? Nothing here!” Plunk, down goes my phone and off to do something real.

Side-note: I hope this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. I know there are a lot of healthy Instagram users out there; I know plenty personally. I just wasn’t one of them. And maybe one day I’ll be back, (or on the new equivalent of it in a few years) when I have unlimited time with no beautiful little eyes vying for my attention. But that won’t be until I have free time to burn. And that certainly is not the case today.

So this is me off Instagram:

I laughed at myself the first couple days after quitting Instagram because when I sat down to eat something delicious I would reach for my phone to take a picture of it for my feed. Oops. What now? Oh how about enjoy it. Wow life just gets better and better.

I drive more safely. There isn’t a moment anymore where I just have to check a post or a comment as I’m driving down the road.

I am a better mom. Legit. Instagram doesn’t make me a bad mom. I make myself a bad mom by my choices. If I choose to spend an hour on Instagram during the day and somehow Brielle and I forget to practice the piano that makes me a bad mom. The way I prioritize my time is my job. But I have lots of forgiveness for me, don’t worry, I’m not too hard on myself.

My spiritual life finally has the priority it should. I used to wake up and spend minutes scrolling on Instagram first thing before I got up to do my Bible study and drink my coffee. Even during my study I would somehow be preoccupied… Just a constant back-ground noise… Like I knew there was a world wanting my attention just on the other side of that phone.

I get more sleep. Who knew we were designed to sleep all night long? When I used to wake up at 3AM to pee I would then lay in bed and scroll. Why not? My phone was right there, why not pick it up. Can’t sleep? Then scroll. Well I didn’t realize that I could sleep, if I just let myself.

I enjoy homeschooling more. It’s not sort of “fit-in” between my social media breaks, or homeschooling thinking about my next social media break (both are equally bad.) Now homeschooling is the main production of the day. It’s what gets all of my brain juice from early morning until it’s done. And we have so much more fun. There’s no distracted “uh huh” as I think about a situation/conversation happening with someone I’ve never met before in a parallel universe.

I enjoy people more. I think the human experience is thinned out and diluted by social media. Just hear me out: it’s a sad sad replacement for real interaction. I had Instagram for years and I loved the thought of it. Constant connection and encouragement and (mostly) happy vibes. But when it came down to it, not seeing any of those faces (sans the friends I have in real life) again, I would be fine. And strangely, it’s true. I look to my physical friends more now. Let’s connect! Let’s talk! Let’s communicate! It’s like strength to my bones and I crave it. I’m not getting the lesser version of it, so I want the real thing.

I have a ton more patience now. Instant gratification is found on social media and not in real life… Take away all those un-natural dopamine hits and pings and dings and constant stimuli and voilà: My overall patience and satisfaction in life soared. 

I take more videos – Like long old-fashioned family videos for the future. I used to take mostly shorter videos – Instagram friendly length.

I look around more. I’m not always glued to my phone. I used to have a break in my day – having to wait in a line – wait on hold on the phone – sometimes even be on the phone! And I would be on Instagram. Now I am a participant in my life. In the every day moments. At stop lights – in lines – in lulls and lows.

I like myself a heck of a lot more. I got a lot of self-confidence from Instagram. People liked my photos and thoughts. It made me feel good. But it was a surface, fleeting, very-hard to maintain superficial reality. What did that feeling cost me?? Who were these people that liked me? Who gave a crap that they liked me? Did I like me? Did I like what I was doing with this limited time I have on this earth?

And what am I missing out on?? All I am missing is a picture of a sunset someone else saw. A totally superficial ego-high when someone likes my posts or starts following me. A totally superficial ego-low when someone unfollows me. Wasted time liking other people’s posts so they can have the same superficial ego-high that I am experiencing.

At my heart I am a sharer and writer. I love to connect with people and I love to document our lives. These are all good things! So I have found ways to continue them without being a slave to an app. I love my blog – I love to write and journal – I love to make photo books and family books and have them laying around the house for us to enjoy and keep our memories alive – I love to share videos and photos to Facebook – I stay connected to friends and family that way and Facebook reminds me of them years later.

I can still do what I love and not have to pay the high Instagram tax of being a slave (in my case) to do it. There are other avenues, other ways. And they don’t come with a huge Instagram-shaped weight around my neck.

This is not an exhaustive list of all the benefits I see from quitting Instagram – Even as I’m writing this I’m thinking of tons of additional things I could add – but how long can a post really be?? It has to end sometime and that time is now.

XOXO

P.s. I haven’t deactivated my account, just “temporally disabled” it. Which is an option if you go under your profile on a browser, not through the app. I’m hoping to be able to download all the years of pictures I’ve posted at some point to save them!